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under the matchlight

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[11 Oct 2016|12:44am]

I didnt necissarily have a bad day.  It was different.  But only in superficial ways.  Decided i should get out of the house this morning.  Drove over to jen's starbucks.  Got a refresher drink.  Got an oil change at grease monkey.  Went to kroger and got my juices, smoothies, and energy drinks.  Then i was gonna meet up with john.  But that didnt happen.  Came home and napped.  Then went to pool night at karls.  Long night...  I wish there was something i could take.  To escape.  Or die.  Like heroine or something.  So i wouldnt have to feel anything.  Im so goddamn tired.  But not the kind of tired that sleep can fix.  Even if i could sleep well...

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[31 Jul 2016|09:16am]

"i hate life, ...and i wanna die, ...so leave me alone."

(in a dream, a spacious empty parking lot, it's raining,  i'm on the phone with my Dad, i lay down on the concrete.)

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[17 Nov 2015|12:49pm]
I spend so much money on cigarettes and alcohol... And the worst part is, is that it's not even my own money. It's terrible. Of course I feel terrible about it.
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[16 Sep 2015|12:40am]
The trip out to Washington was such a good, wonderful, memorable time. Hanging out with Johnny, Marshall, and Harley every day... Practicing and recording at Dishman in Seabeck. The house in Manette, right there on the Puget Sound, with the roommates... Julian, Brian, and Evan. Crashin on the couch. Boiling water on the stove every morning to make coffee. The 2 weeks flew by so fast. What a time...

It was a beautiful time.

I've been back in South Carolina for a couple days now, and I'm afraid I'm going to slip right back into how I was before, my natural tendencies. I can't recall one moment of depression during the time that I was out there. Now I'm back here in Columbia, and it's all coming back.
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[23 Aug 2015|12:48am]
It's been stressful. At first, it was just fun and exciting. But now I'm not dealin so well.

Guess we'll just hafta see how it goes. Should be cool. I think the show will be great.

The plan is to do some recording too. 4 or 5 songs from back in the day. 7 that I don't know quite what to do with.

I've been sleeping a lot. I mean everyday. I'm a useless, godamn mess. Drinking every night.

I swear to god, I'm gonna kill myself if something doesn't do me in first.


ps... I really don't think I believe in God anymore. My whole life, I thought I did. And then, a couple years ago, I really got into it and was gunhoe about it. But gradually it seems, I've really leveled off and grown even more dead inside.

But I still play the game. Gotta wake up early in the morning for church. I can't break my Momma's heart. I love her more than anything.


The Marlboro reds are better than the Parliaments. The gas station didn't have my usual Newport non-menthols.
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[19 Aug 2015|03:33am]
This is not an escape. There is no escape. None except death.
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[18 Aug 2015|02:11pm]
God damn it, it's another day.

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[01 Aug 2015|02:13am]
When I say that life sucks, I mean it's hard. Difficult. And you can get stuck in "ruts" that can last a long time... Years, even. Maybe even 6 years.

And you wonder if it'll ever get better.

It won't. Not for people like me, I'm afraid.

God damn, if I had a gun with a bullet right now...
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[30 Jul 2015|12:54am]
Life sucks. I'm really not happy at all. So dead, yet still breathing. Trapped in Hell. Life is Hell. I'm so goddamn miserable. And to think, it could be so much worse...
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[29 Jul 2015|10:15pm]
I guess I haven't written anything here for several days cause my time has been slightly more occupied.

But everything's the same, and I'm still a pretty damn miserable person.
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[23 Jul 2015|08:21pm]
Man, there just doesn't seem to be any damn reason to be around today.
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[22 Jul 2015|03:55am]
My life means nothing.
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[22 Jul 2015|12:51am]
The day that was today...

I went to my counseling meeting. I'm always a little anxious goin into those things. But I almost always feel pretty good about it afterwards. And such was the case today.

Ran some errands with my Momma after that. Once we got back home, I was tired, and took a long nap. And here I am again up late, as usual, practicing Magnetic North songs.

Honestly, I've been drinking every night. And I've been smoking more than usual. I'm not happy. But God damn... I can only remember in distant memories the last time I was.
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[20 Jul 2015|01:59am]
What to say tonight...

It's been a Sunday. Got up early for church, on about 3 hours of sleep. Got some good food at Cracker Barrel after that.

Then, I officially got my phone switched over at the AT&T store. I no longer carry around my good old friend, the flip-phone. Gettin used to this new thing, iPhone/smartphone, whatever it is.

Ran some errands with my momma after that. Then I pretty much slept all day... Decided to get up eventually, just hung around. Practiced all the songs on The Only Constant Thing. Hung around some more.

Then I guess I couldn't resist anymore, and went to the store. Instead of beer, I got some Andre and orange juice. When I got back home, I tried practicin some more. Songs from the second album. Went pretty well really. Guess I just got tired.

I guess livejournal is a friend of mine. I don't know why I've been posting in here so much more lately. I really have nothing to say. No more than I ever have.

Life is still just as mundane and pointless as ever. And of course, I still don't know why the hell i'm alive.

Sick and tired.
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[19 Jul 2015|02:48am]

(basically), Jesus told us that life will be miserable, and that we'll have to wait til the end; to either go to heaven and have relief, or go to Hell and continue to be miserable forever.

I want relief. But that seems so damn extreme.  And i wouldn't wish the latter on barely anyone.

Eternity is something that nobody can fathom.  It doesn't sound desirable, no matter what the circumstances.  Ceasing to exist sounds fine to me.  Don't get me wrong, i would love to be reunited with my loved ones in the "next life", and be happy and content "forever".  God knows i'm not happy or content right now, or probably ever will be again.  But that's irrelevant really.

I'd better go to sleep soon.  Cause tomorrow will be another day above the ground, and i gotta be up early.

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Reunions [19 Jul 2015|12:14am]

I guess i'm pretty excited about the Magnetic North reunion show that's happening in September.  It's gotten me to pick the guitar back up (after literally 6 or 7 months of barely playin it at all).  When i first started practicing those old songs again, my finger tips hurt so bad.  It was unbearable.  But i kept at it, and now those calouses are building back up.

I guess we've decided on what songs we'll play, and it's a lot.  And i'm stoked about that.  It'll make it worth the trip for me (about 2,800 miles).  It's been mentioned that we'll do 2 separate sets.  One will be the poppy-punky stuff.  And the other will be songs from the 2nd album (which we recorded with the guitars tuned down half a step).

This will be my 3rd trip back out to Washington for reunion shows.  There was the Map Of June one in 2012.  And then the Kane Hodder one this past February.  And now, Magnetic North is coming up in September.  I really do feel very lucky to have experienced what i did in my youth.  And that what i've been a part of, meant enough to other people for these reunions to be possible.

I was just a stupid kid back then.  And i don't think i'm all that much smarter or brighter now.  But it sure is bittersweet to think about.

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[17 Jul 2015|11:11am]
To me, the most absurd part of the Bible is that on Judgement Day, God and/or Jesus are going to separate the entire history of mankind into 2 groups. One of which will be sent to Hell, where they will be tormented and suffer for all eternity, forever. And the other group will go to Heaven, where they will be happy and joyful for all eternity, forever.

This may be more digestible if the conditions for such a judgement were different than what the Bible claims they will be. But for a human being to consider all "unforgiven sins" being equally punishable, and judgement carried out to such an extreme degree (in fact, there could not be a more extreme punishment), is incomprehensible and absurd.
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[16 Jul 2015|09:57pm]

The Cold Season by Map Of June could have been a great record.  The songs were great.  And they were performed excellently by everyone involved.  But the mix is all kinds of terrible.  And it bums me out a great deal.

Tony Reed recorded it.  And if he had been left to himself to mix and master it, it would have been incredible. But as it is, i can't listen to it without cringing.

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[13 Jul 2015|01:21pm]

Someday i'll be dead, and it'll all be over.  But until then, there's hell to pay.  Because life is Hell.

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[11 Jul 2015|11:07pm]
All practiced up. Feelin ready for the show. But I got no money. No job. Just relying on my parents to front the bill. Truly doing absolutely nothing with my life. I mean, the bare minimum is being able to support yourself, right? I sure am one fucking pathetic 32 year old boy.
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